Why “internalized autism” is far more than “just masking”

When I first introduced the concept of internalized autism, a lot of people responded with “that’s just masking.” 

And though the term resonated with the vast majority of high masking autistic people who engaged with my posts, I think the reason it didn't resonate with everyone (aside from the fact that no term will ever resonate with an entire group) is that not everyone uses the term “masking” the same way. 

And I think it's important we talk about this...

Because though I don’t think all autistic people need to use all autistic-related terms exactly the same way, I do think we need to understand each other when we’re talking about our lived experiences. 

So, here’s what I personally mean when I say “autistic masking".

I mean...

- Hiding my autistic traits (minimizing my stims, for example)

- Hiding my distress when my autistic needs aren’t met (like hiding my meltdowns so people can’t tell I’m in extreme distress... which I've also referred to as internalized meltdowns)

- Hiding my autistic traits intentionally for the benefit of other (many times, autistic) people who get triggered by them.

- Hiding my autistic traits strategically so I can achieve more of my personal and life goals. (This, in particular, is a very important aspect of masking for me. It's both intentional, and very much a choice when I do it.)

In other words, "masking" does not always mean something detrimental to me. 

And that's an extremely important distinction for me when it comes to articulating my needs to others.

Now, I understand that there are many autistic people who use the term to exclusively mean detrimental experiences. And that’s ok. 

I’m not here to tell anyone how to use language to describe their lived experiences. 

But, for me, the term “masking” means a lot more than that... and is not the same as what I'm describing when I talk about internalized autism.

Which is mostly about the long-term mental, emotional, and physical harm it has caused me.

Like having a life-threatening stress-induced heart event at 34. Which the term "masking" simply does not sufficiently explain for me.

So, it felt important, even critical to find words to describe my internalized autistic experiences so others can understand them.

Because others understanding the dangerous impact of unsupported autistic needs is a necessary step for people to be motivated to help us.

If you've also struggled to find the right words to describe the dangerous impact of your unsupported autistic needs, please feel free to adopt and use this term.

I sincerely hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.