Autistic masking looks different on everyone

I realized something yesterday about autistic masking that blew my mind a little bit... we don't all mask the same way. 

Not because we choose to mask differently, but because our brains give us different capacities for masking.

Let me explain... 

Masking is a trauma response. We do it to protect ourselves from mistreatment. And our attempt to mask is automatic... it's a reflex.

But what I realized yesterday is that just like autism is a spectrum, so is masking. 

Some of us mask "well," some of us struggle to mask, some of us struggle a LOT, and some of us can't mask at all.

And I think how hard masking is for a person... likely correlates to how much support a person needs.

Based on my own experience, what I've observed, and how I've seen others talk about their experiences... what I'm noticing is that the more support a person needs, the harder it is for them to mask. 

(This is currently just a working theory, since no research has been conducted on this yet)

So, yesterday, when someone said to me "the mask always breaks" my initial reaction was... that's not true for me.

Because as a high masking, lower support needs person with highly internalized autism... my mask has essentially become fused to my being. 

I don't have to actively work to keep it on, because it's a part of me. (Which has been extremely harmful to me as I've explained in many of my recent posts.)

But as the words "the mask always breaks" rang through my mind... something occurred to me. 

Just because that has not been my experience, doesn't mean it's not a very real, very valid experience. And I absolutely believe the people who say this is how masking is for them.

And this is when I had a pretty big revelation...

For those who experience masking in this way... keeping the mask on takes active and concerted effort. It's a daily, if not hourly strain on them.

And when they run out of energy, or are in a bad mental place, they can't hold it up any more. So it falls... or breaks. And their autistic traits become more visible.

And I realized something absolutely heartbreaking about those who experience masking in this way... that they are actually harmed three times by masking...

First, from having to exert inordinate amounts of effort to hold up the mask... 

Second, hiding their needs rather than expressing them, means their needs go unmet, and...

Third, when the mask eventually falls (which it always does), there are significant negative social consequences that cause serious mental and emotional harm to them.

This is a very real, very painful existence that I don't think enough people understand. 

And then, there are those who can't mask at all. Because their brain wiring doesn't give them the option. So their autism is not only the most visible, it's the most judged... the most stigmatized... the most ridiculed.

All of this to say...

I think understanding the differences in how autistic people mask is critical to understanding autistic needs and how they can be supported... by loved ones...  by institutions... and by society as a whole. 

And to be clear, everything I've shared here is part of an evolving thought process. It is not the end of a conversation. It's the start of one. One that I don't think has ever been had before. 

And I hope some of you will join me in the conversation... because every single autistic voice matters here. YOUR voice matters here. 

And if we come together to tell a shared story, I believe deeply that we can make a real difference when it comes to true autism awareness, understanding, and acceptance. ❤️