"Autism is not an excuse for bad behavior"

7 min read

I think it's time we have a long chat about how this statement, though technically true, contributes to a lot of the stigma and discrimination autistic people experience on a regular basis.

Because I'm seeing this said any time an autistic behavior is being explained.

Not just occasionally... every time.

So, let's talk about why this statement can be harmful. Because it's not *always* harmful. Context matters.

It comes down to two main things...

1. IF the behavior is related to autism, and

2. WHEN the statement is being made

So, if an autistic person does something intentionally hurtful, and the behavior is completely unrelated to autism but they say it's because of their autism in response to being told it was hurtful...

It would be 100% appropriate to say "autism is not an excuse for bad behavior."

Because since autism wasn't the *cause* of the behavior, it is therefore not an *excuse* for it.

And because in this instance the statement itself is accurate... the timing is appropriate.

But let's say an autistic person does something unintentionally hurtful because of their autism.

Example... let's say they interrupt a loved one while they're sharing something deeply important to them...

And the autistic person realizes it immediately and profusely apologizes, explaining that their autism sometimes makes it hard for them to pick up on cues in conversation...

Would it then be appropriate to say autism is not an excuse?

If you answered yes to this question, I hope you will continue reading and are open to a different perspective.

Because even when harm is real... if a person's neurological disability is involved, intent matters. A lot.

Because even though a person with a disability *can* learn to adjust their behavior, the ability to do so is not inherent.

It's a skill that has to be learned... which requires outside help.

This is, by definition, how neurological disabilities work.

If something is neurologically disabling, support is necessary for a person to function similarly to those who do not have the disability.

And it is unreasonable to expect a disabled person to have a skill they have not yet learned.

It really is as simple as that.

Should you voice your pain if an autistic person unintentionally harms you?

Absolutely.

In fact, that helps them understand how their behavior impacts others. Which helps them build the necessary foundation for developing the skill later on with additional help.

But responding with "your autism is not an excuse" in these instances...

When it was brought up to explain WHY they behaved the way they did...*even if you were hurt by the behavior*... moves away from mutual understanding and into blame territory.

Where you are blaming someone for not having a skill they were never taught in the first place or have not yet fully learned.

So even though the statement "autism is not an excuse for bad behavior" is technically correct in OTHER contexts... it is inappropriate in THIS context.

Which is why context matters.

If you're saying the right thing in the wrong context... it is no longer the right thing.

But there's actually another layer to all of this that I want to address. Because it is also critically important.

Just because a behavior hurts someone, doesn't automatically make it "bad behavior" in the way the statement is implying.

If the behavior is the direct result of an unlearned skill... it is not "bad" behavior.

It is a SKILL GAP.

One I would argue that we, as a society, owe our disabled community to help them with.

Imagine yelling at a child for crawling instead of walking before they learned how to walk.

That would be completely inappropriate.

And I would hope we could all agree would also be categorically unacceptable.

"It's your fault that you didn't do the thing you were never taught... and it's your responsibility to figure it out."

That's what you're saying to an autistic person when you tell them "autism is not an excuse for bad behavior" IN THE WRONG CONTEXT.

Because it's not actually possible for the autistic person to "just figure it out."

The reason they behaved the way they did in the first place is because they are disabled and have INHERENT skill gaps that the average nonautistic person is able to learn without additional support.

And this is where we need to focus the conversation when we are discussing autism as a disability.

Because, in my personal experience, the number of times I have seen an autistic person in real life use their autism as an excuse is 0.

And the number of times I have seen an autistic person mention their autism as an EXPLANATION is countless.

Yet the response "autism is not an excuse for bad behavior" is frustratingly predictable.

Because anytime I see an autistic person on social media explain why they behave certain ways... someone (if not numerous people) will inevitably jump into the conversation telling them not to use autism as an excuse.

When they didn't. And weren't. And haven't.

Yes.

Autism is absolutely not an excuse for bad behavior.

But it is very much an EXPLANATION for the socially disabling aspects of autism.

And awareness about this is crucial for true understanding and destigmatization of autism.

If you're not autistic and you made it to the end of this post, thank you for listening.

Your willingness to understand us really does make a big difference.