Internalized autism and trauma

I just realized something kind of huge about my highly internalized autism.

I was trying to think back to big traumatic events that caused me to internalize my autistic traits (to share examples so people can understand internalized autism better)...

And though I did think of a small handful of examples, I realized something that I think may be the underpinning of the entire concept for me...

I didn't internalize my autistic traits because of massive traumatic events. 

I internalized them due to constant and unrelenting micro-traumatic daily experiences that changed me slowly, but painfully, over time.

Like a drip of water that slowly corrodes the surface beneath it over many years until there's a deep, gaping hole.

Yes, I did have several traumatic experiences that absolutely impacted how I show up in the world.

But the micro-traumas... the everyday moments of being socially rejected, excluded, misunderstood, misbelieved, or outright gaslit when expressing a need... 

Those were what shaped my autistic experience into what it is today.

Entirely internalized.

To the point that it's nearly invisible to most people, but I feel its presence in my chest every. single. minute. of every. single. day.