Internalized autistic meltdowns, what they are and how they look

Internalized autistic meltdowns. Let’s talk about them. 

First of all, they can and absolutely do often look like they sound. 

But they can also look like absolutely nothing. 

This happens when we (autistic people, often high masking) learn to internalize our distress so others don't see it... 

Because having visible meltdowns in most contexts comes with severe social consequences. Which makes visible meltdowns unsafe for us.

So, internalizing our distress becomes a matter of survival and we internalize our meltdowns. 

I'll talk about the internal experience of these types of meltdowns in just a minute, but first I want to make a few things very clear.

Meltdowns are tied to unmet needs. 

Not wants. NEEDS.

And they happen when those needs go unmet for long enough that our initial dysregulation becomes much more urgent and turns into full blown distress.

Which brings me to my next point...

Outward (visible) meltdowns are a cry for help. Not a manipulation tactic. 

They come from a place of DESPERATION, not manipulation. 

Meltdowns are also involuntary. It's the brain and body's automatic reaction to extreme triggers (even if those triggers seem "mild" to everyone else).

A person MIGHT have the ability to mask how that reaction looks to others (by internalizing it)... but the internal experience (regardless of how it looks to others) is completely INvoluntary. 

In other words, we do not and cannot control how our brains react to our triggers. 

Which, again, are tied to unmet needs. HUMAN needs. (See my previous post on what autistic needs are for a lengthy explanation on this.)

Here's an example of what I mean. I'll stick with the simplest one for this post... sensory triggers. 

There's nothing I can do to make my brain not react to sensory triggers. 

And in most cases, they are extreme and intolerable from the outset. I don't have "mild" sensory triggers.

So, if the trigger is there, I am instantly dysregulated and if I can't remove the trigger VERY quickly, that dysregulation turns into distress in a matter of minutes... sometimes seconds. 

When this happens, my brain and body get completely hijacked. 

I can't think. I can't breathe. I am basically mentally incapacitated. I start to hyperventilate, and I become frantic. 

But... for me, this all happens internally. Because I have learned to internalize and hide my distress for social safety and survival.

Which means that outwardly, especially in high-stakes contexts (like work) people would have absolutely no clue I was experiencing any distress at all. I look completely calm (even though I am frantic on the inside).

At home, when the stakes are less urgent and the people around me love me and have room for my humanity, my distress does show up at times... but the truth is... now that I know what I need and have learned to simply ask for it... that is a rare occurrence these days.

But that's what I mean by internalized meltdowns. 

When your brain and body are hijacked for survival. You're in distress. You need help. But no one sees any of it. 

I sincerely hope this explanation helps. ❤️